agingwellmatters

Navigating My New Role as a Grandmother

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment
Christmas 2024

True Story: Delivery Driver Made me a Grandma

The groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow February 2, 2021 predicting six more weeks of winter. That same morning, I saw my life happily change not for six weeks, but forever.

While ringing the doorbell of our son Alex’s home, a Federal Express driver bounded out of his truck carrying a long rectangular box decorated with a picture of a toddler in a crib.

Excitedly, he congratulated me while placing the box on the cold concrete, unaware I was surprising our son with a grocery delivery while his nursery furniture delivery was shocking me.

This coincidental timing has to be one of the weirdest birth announcements ever.

Their pregnancy had not yet been shared.

 I was stunned to learn I was going to become a grandmother from a delivery man.

Watching all of this play out from his basement office was our son who works from home. The doorbell camera captured my surprised look while interacting with the delivery driver.

 Alex rushed up the stairs, abruptly opened the door, quickly retrieved and placed the box inside, took my bags of groceries and closed the door without saying a word.

I stood speechless on the front stoop.

I smiled to myself, got in my vehicle and left.

Leaving their driveway, I recall thinking this is not how I would have wanted to learn I was becoming a grandmother for the first time.

I suspected this also was not the way he and his pregnant wife wanted to announce their happy news.

I was right.

My generous gesture of picking up some groceries for them while shopping for ours completely upended their well-thought-out plan for sharing their news with immediate family.

Alex texted during my commute asking me not to tell my husband Ken, who, himself, was going to become a first-time grandfather.

What?

While I didn’t agree with their request, I honored it, which was not easy.

I remained alone in my excitement and in my thoughts of what this unexpected interaction and discovery meant for them and for our family.

Finally, on March 20, 2021, during half-time of a March Madness game, Alex led Ken into a bedroom now displaying an assembled crib with a Louisville Cardinals onesie straddling the rail. The repressed thrill and joy were finally released and shared by all.

I was going to be a grandmother and all that came with it.

Jaxon Alexander arrived August 3, 2021.

Noah Lee was born September 18, 2023.

Our lives have never been the same, and that is such a beautiful & wonderful thing.

Don’t Feel Like a Grandma

I struggled a bit with the title of grandma. The role came easier.

I always knew I could possibly one day be called grandma but I seldom gave thought to how this new role would affect my life, or my identity. Honestly, I never dreamt of or had a vision of life as a grandma. I occasionally thought about it but it was definitely not an obsession or a demand of my son.

I knew many women honored with this title before me who cherish the role and the time with their grandchildren. These grandmas, nor I, look anything like my German Russian North Dakota grandmothers looked to my childish eyes. They seemed old in appearance and behavior. They also were of the generation where grandchildren were “seen but not heard” so I have little to no memory of outstanding shared experiences with either of them.

One thing I definitely knew was that I wanted a more involved role like many of today’s grandmothers who seem vibrant, youthful and fun, yet mature. This style seemed to be the best fit for me.

Unspoken Shifts in Life

Undoubtedly in healthy families there is unbridled joy and excitement about adding a grandchild to the family. There are also many unspoken shifts in life for all involved.

  • Your child becomes a parent. As the mother of an only child living close by, accepting this changing role for Alex was huge. I had so many moments of introspection and questions. Did I do enough to prepare him to become a dad? Was I a good example of healthy parenting? What role will I play in their family’s life? I had, and have, many flashbacks of parenting Alex, the joy, the uncertainty and even the fear of the unknown. I knew I looked forward to bonding with him on another level-as a parent. This is a seismic role shift for each of us as we are building a legacy together.
  •  You are now seen as old. I feel youthful and active, yet merely by association I am old. In fact, sometimes I utter those words when our toddler’s expectations of me exceed my ability.
  • Grandparent Role Changes Over Time. My grandparents lived nearby. I saw them often but had little memorable interaction with them. Alex’s grandparents lived 1000s of miles away. We live nearby. Geography plays a role in interactions, so does today’s technology like Facetime. I wanted to change how I interacted with my grandparents and how my parents were able to be grandparents. I chose to be as involved as Alex’s family wanted me to be. I want to nurture the relationships and create close bonds.
  • More Love & Gratitude. Interacting with our grandsons, Jaxon and Noah, has been one of my life’s happiest times. I am forever appreciative for this precious time together and often am overwhelmed with love and gratitude.
  • Question the Sexiness. I wrestled with my identity as a professional woman with an active lifestyle now being called a grandma. Is that title sexy? Maybe to some it is. To me, being sexy was never part of my image. Being able to flip roles and adopt change quickly is. Being sexy was a non-issue for me, though I know many who admit struggling with how others see them now that they are grandmothers.
  • Focus on the Cycle of Life & Mortality. Becoming a grandparent abruptly alerts you to the cycle of life and one’s own mortality. It made me focus on creating a legacy of life lessons and sharing wisdom.
  • Time Shifts. I have put aside other “things” to spend this beautiful time with our grandsons. I recognize this time is limited. In the blink of an eye, they will be school age and spending time with their friends, which is healthy child development. I don’t want this time to go by without as many reasonable moments together as possible. I’m focused on creating connections through adventures and experiences filled with love, laughter and learning.

Rediscovering Play

One of the most surprising benefits of time together with the grandsons has been rediscovering play.

As the second oldest of nine children and a business owner while raising Alex, my playtime was limited.

Today, I am taking full advantage of playtime. I’ve given myself the freedom to let loose, be silly and heartily laugh while also relearning the art of patience.

In fact, the oldest grandson, Jaxon, spends Mondays with me. If we are lucky, we also get to spend weekend time together as an extended family.

On Mondays, I create “projects” for us to do, including outdoor playtime.

This time has left me with endless joy experiencing the world through his fresh and curious eyes while creating unforgettable moments and memories.

He has taught me a new sense of wonder and playfulness.

Stay Active

Toddlers are quite active and being “in shape” has allowed me to join in games and adventures and fully experience the joy of playtime while never “acting my age.”

In a short period of time, I have:

  • Pushed strollers
  • Gone down endless slides
  • Built and crawled in blanket forts
  • Thrown, caught and chased balls
  • Done yoga for kids
  • Planted and cared for vegetables
  • Made nearly every pudding flavor available
  • Enjoyed pillow fights
  • Painted tons of rocks
  • Made mud pies and “stinky potions”
  • Danced the polka and swayed to jazz music
  • Giggled while shooting silly string
  • Answered the question “why” a gazillion times
  • Wondered at the fast-paced, technology-driven world they are growing up in

My Best Advice

  • Define the role in a way that best fits your life and your values, knowing this can change with the age of the child, family circumstances and geographical distance.
  • Keep an open line of communication with the parents.
  • Define boundaries. Know what you are capable of giving and when you need rest.
  • Be in the moment to enjoy first-time experiences and other simple pleasures.
  • Create traditions. (Per his request, Jaxon always eats pancakes, sausage and eggs at my house, regardless of time of day.)
  • Go with the flow. Laugh freely. Hug often. Love deeply.
  • Consider fingerprints on your glass door a privilege.

Having time to spend with grandchildren has to be one of the best parts of growing old. 

Every grandmother’s journey is unique. There is no one right way to navigate this special role.

One of the best feelings in the world is a little hand in yours and a sweet voice proclaiming, “I love you Grandma Linda”. It’s priceless. It comes without demand, expectation or condition.

May your life be rewarded watching your children grow into parents and blessing you with grandchildren whom you can provide infinite comfort and love.

Future Topics

What would you like to read more about?

  • How to navigate being a grandparent to more than one grandchild
  • Activities to keep grandchildren engaged
  • Observations of my husband as a grandfather
  • How distance affects grandparent-grandchild relationships
  • What if your parents choose not to play a role in your child’s life
  • Grandparents raising grandchildren
  • Something else?

©April 2025 Linda Leier Thomason. All Rights Reserved.

Grandparents Need Love Not Bruises

~ Linda Leier Thomason ~ Leave a comment

Recognizing & Preventing Elder Abuse

No one wants to admit our elders are abused, neglected and exploited. It’s much like hushing up about child or domestic abuse. Many think if it’s not spoken about, it doesn’t occur.

But it does.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), abuse, including neglect and exploitation, happens to 1 in 10 people aged 60 and older who live at home. Between 2002-2016, more than 643,000 older adults were treated in the emergency department for nonfatal assaults and over 19,000 homicides occurred.

Keep in mind these numbers are low. The National Council on Aging reports that only one out of every 14 cases of elder abuse are ever reported. These numbers only reflect the abuse cases that show up in the ER. Many cases are never reported because elders are ashamed, afraid or unable to tell family, friends or police about the violence. They fear reporting the crime will result in retaliation.

Many times, elders also remain silent because they lack cognitive skills or the physical ability to report it. Others care deeply about the person abusing them and don’t want them to get into trouble. Many are dependent on the care given by the abuser.

Experts also report

  • 1 in 20 older adults indicate some form of perceived financial mistreatment occurring in the recent past.
  • In almost 60 percent of elder abuse and neglect incidents, the perpetrator is a family member. Two-thirds of perpetrators are adult children or spouses.
  • 7-10 percent of the elderly suffered from at least one episode of abuse within the past year.

What is Elder Abuse

All 50 states have passed some form of elder abuse protection laws. These laws and definitions vary considerably by state.  

Elder abuse is broadly defined as an intentional act or failure to act that causes or creates a risk of harm to an older adult (60+). The abuse comes from a caregiver, or a person trusted by the elderly adult.

Learning these 7 most common types of elder abuse can help you recognize when it is happening and how to avoid it.

Neglect: Is one of the most common forms of elder abuse. Unfortunately, it is usually committed by a close family member. It generally involves deprivation and failure to meet an older adult’s basic needs such as food, water, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and essential medical care. This shows up in rapid weight loss, unsanitary or hazardous living conditions, improper attire, dehydration or preventable illnesses. A common example: Setting a plate in front of an elder who is unable to feed him/herself.

Physical: When an elder experiences illness, pain, injury, functional impairment, distress, or death as a result of the intentional use of force. This includes hostile acts such as hitting, kicking, pushing, slapping, burning and restraining by physical and chemical means. Recognize this by seeing visible marks, including bruises, cuts or new mobility limitations.

Sexual: Non-consensual sexual contact of any kind, including harassment. It is also a crime that is difficult to identify and discuss.

Financial Exploitation: The illegal, unauthorized, or improper use of an elder’s money, benefits, belongings, property or assets. For instance, a sudden change in power of attorney or missing bank account statements and unexplainable transactions. Financial neglect occurs when the elder’s financial responsibilities like paying the mortgage or rent, utility bills, medical bills, property taxes, etc. are ignored and bills are not paid.  A good indicator is if the caregiver has many new purchases and claims Mom said I could buy these items as presents from her. However, Mom is unaware of the date or time and answers ‘yes’ to every question.

Emotional/Psychological: Verbal or nonverbal behaviors inflecting anguish, mental pain, fear or distress. These include humiliation, name-calling, repeated fear-inducing language, disrespect, verbal and non-verbal threats, harassment, and geographic or interpersonal isolation. Keeping someone from seeing close friends and relatives is also a sign of emotional abuse. Another possible sign is the caregiver constantly saying, “they’re resting” when you stop by.

Abandonment: Desertion of a vulnerable adult by anyone who assumed the responsibility for care or custody of that person. Elderly persons in need of supervision can accidentally hurt themselves and cause preventable accidents. Abandonment is often thought of as long periods of time. However, abandonment here is any amount of time elders are at risk when left alone. Would you leave an infant or toddler alone for any length of time?

Self-Neglect: Self-neglect that takes place under institutionalized supervision is a form of abuse. Self-neglect in one’s home starts very gradually. Depression among the elderly may be self-neglect. It can start with a mild fall where one cannot completely get back to a normal routine or begin with deteriorating health. It can also begin with the loss of a loved one or a pet. It is not just one day the elder has neglected themselves and stopped taking out the trash, cleaning or cooking. It happens over time. Depending on when the self-neglect is discovered determines what the next steps of care are. If a person lives alone but cannot feed and clean themselves, they will require supervision. Elder self-neglect, according to studies, is higher amongst elders lacking family support-those known as orphaned elders.

Warning Signs

Abused elderly often suffer in silence.

Start to question what is going on if you notice changes in the person’s personality and/or behavior. Remember, it is not your role to confirm the abuse, only to alert proper authorities of your suspicion of abuse.

Click here for state specific contact information. What If I Suspect Abuse, Neglect, or Exploitation? | ACL Administration for Community Living

  • Unexplained bruises, broken bones, sprains, burns, pressure marks, cuts, or scars
  • Bruises around breasts or the genital area; sexually transmitted diseases or pain upon urination or bowel movements
  • Messy appearance with unwashed hair and dirty clothes
  • Displays signs of trauma, like rocking back and forth
  • Bedsores and unusual weight loss
  • Broken eyeglasses/frames
  • Physical signs of being restrained or punished
  • Unexplained withdrawal from activities he/she enjoys
  • Sudden financial changes like an eviction notice for unpaid rent, notice of late mortgage or home eviction or many new purchases for the caregiver
  • Unpaid bills despite adequate financial resources
  • Belittling, threats, and other uses of power and control by spouses
  • If elder is trying to speak but looks at caregiver and abruptly quits talking
  • Frequent loud arguments, strained and tense relationships between the caregiver and the elderly person or the senior seems timid around the caregiver
  • Lacks medical aids like glasses, walker, dentures, hearing aids or medications

Ways to Prevent Elder Abuse

  • Check-in on older adults who may have few family members or friends. Be alert. Look for clues of abuse. Is there forcible restraint and forced feeding? Does the person have a heightened sense of fear, anxiety or other results of current trauma? Remember, this can be challenging when a person suffers from dementia or is otherwise unable to communicate clearly.
  • Talk to the older adult’s support system or family who may live in a different geographical area. Families usually have the ability to intervene, especially if the caregiver is hired. They can fire them and remove them from the person’s home. They can also report the incident(s) to the police.
  • Learn how elder abuse signs differ from the normal aging process.
  • Report abuse or suspected abuse to adult protective services, a trusted doctor or nurse or the police. Elder abuse can be a criminal offense. Making a police report creates a paper trail and will hopefully lead to an investigation. Click here for state specific information. NCEA – State (acl.gov)
  • Consult with an elder law attorney. While elder abuse is often a crime, elder abuse can be the basis for a civil lawsuit against the perpetrator and/or facility.
  • Offer to help and support over-burdened caregivers

Effects of Abuse

Elder abuse frequently leads to early death. It harms the person’s physical and psychological health, destroys social and family ties and can cause devastating long-term financial loss.

Any mistreatment leaves the abused person feeling depressed and fearful. Some victims feel the abuse is his or her own fault.

Agencies generally suggest support groups and counseling to help an abused person heal emotional wounds. The practicality of this for elderly abused persons is unknown.

What is known is that once an abused elder starts to receive care, kindness, hygiene and more, they begin to perk up, especially if there are memory issues. They soon are living in the present again and they begin to calm down.

Note to Caregivers from Denise

Caregiving can be difficult and often stressful. You may need to be “on the clock” 24 hours a day, 7 days a week doing everything from preparing meals, doing laundry, cleaning the home, scheduling and driving to medical appointments, paying bills, providing nursing care, etc.

You may have had to put your career and social life on the back burner to care for someone who shows little signs of improvement.

The demands of caretaking over time can take a toll. To ensure you do not become neglectful or abusive to the one you are caring for, you must make time to rest and care for your own needs.

Do not be afraid to ask for help, even if it’s just for a few hours.

More Information

Fast Facts: Preventing Elder Abuse |Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC

Elder Abuse Surveillance: Uniform Definitions and Recommended Data Elements (cdc.gov)

What is Elder Abuse? | ACL Administration for Community Living

Elderly Abuse Statistics: It’s More Common Than You Think! – RespectCareGivers

©July 2022 Craft LifeStyle Management.

All Rights Reserved.

Written for Craft LifeStyle Management by Linda Leier Thomason.